SIXTEEN New Reality Shows on MTV by 5/09

When I saw the headline claiming MTV plans 16 new reality shows in the next 4.5 months, my jaw dropped to the floor -- in a good way. Cancel my spring semester; I'm not going to be leaving my 24" zenith for awhile. This is so awesome. This is exactly what I need, what every young adult needs, what AMERICA needs! This might be the greatest news I've heard ... at least during all of today. I didn't even bother reading the details to see what the new shows are going to be. I'm just assuming The Hills cast is in all of them. Yessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

Twilight MAAAANNNNIIIIAAAAAA!

I know you've seen Twilight at least once by now, if not 10 or 15 times, and are totally caught up in the mania. I, however, am truly bothered by this film because it teaches teenage girls to not have sex, and instead wait for true love. COME ON, I'm struggling as it is!

In the movie, Edward tells Bella to not move when he kisses her; otherwise, he won't be able to resist his vampire, blood-drinking predisposition and will suck the living bejesus out of her (he's a practicing vegetarian vampire by the way). Why don't they just DO IT already!

This "waiting for true love" theme is not what we need to instill into young girls' minds. I think we all know that true love does not exist -- i mean, I'm not even sure if sober sex exists. Do we really want our future daughters waiting around for their chaste, knight in shining armor to stroll up on his (or her) white horse? Do we really want them to be single and unhappy forever?

What we should tell them is to try and find an intelligent, funny, not-utterly-tragic-looking college boy who is willing to buy them dinner every once in awhile in exchange for true love making. (ahem)

When looking up to the best role models in our current society -- the celeb -- it's clear that true love does not exist. But that hasn't stopped Heidi Montag and that guy with the blond beard from The Hills to elope this past weekend.

I hate them both. I hope to never bring their names up again, but this gives me an excuse to post pictures of Heidi in a bikini:

Chris Kirkpatrick Will Strangle You

According to my sources (AKA my own eyeballs):

Last night Chris Kirkpatrick sang the national anthem at the Steelers-Bengals game at Heinz Field (Steelers won 27-10). He was magnificently awful; this came as a huge shock for fans now in their mid-twenties who remember him in his prime. The highlight of the performance came before he even started to sing when the announcer exclaimed, "... and a native from Clarion, PA!" Needless to say, the crowd went wild.

I don't have any pictures or video of him on the field because 1) no one cares 2) if they did exist I'd destroy them because I want to erase it from my memory as soon as possible. I might even delete this post later today.

Nevertheless, it appears Kirkpatrick's bank account has finally run dry. On top of getting paid to torture sports fans, he has also been appearing on unpopular reality TV shows that people only in Alabama watch. He's currently a celebrity judge on Fuse Music Channel's "Redemption Song," and this fall he was casted on CMT's "Gone Country."

I know you're dying to see the "Chris - Best of Gone Country" video:

Access Hollywood conducted an online video interview asked the leader of the show, Big John of Big & Rich, "So how did you score Chris for your show?"

Big J stumbled to respond,"How do you argue with a success of arguably one of the biggest bands in the past 20 years, ya know?"

Chris added, "To be honest I don't listen to country music. I did a lot of research, I went to Nashville a few times, I had a great time."

Aubrey O'Day is Ugly and Out of Control in Pittsburgh

Another reality/pop star is drunken and out of control again, this time in the Steel City. Don't ask me why. There was a huge ad on the back of the Pitt News for a week about it. P Diddle or whatever his name is these days made this girl famous for some reason, but now she just wears weird skirts and has bad roots. My sources tell me by 10pm she did 10 shots of patron. She was unable to speak, was escorted out by the bouncers, and in the parking lot started slapping people in the face screaming, "I'm Aubrey F@#&ing O'Day, I do what I F@#&ing want!" Here's the pic obviously proving it; it's 100% true: