Neil Celeb Gossip: November 2008

Hipsters Win Again: American Apparel Named Label of the Year

British newspaper The Guardian named American Apparel 2008's label of the year. AA is one of those things that I hated at first, then learned to like more over time. Not that I own very much AA, because I don't at all. But because they promote free trade and have awesome ads.

"...starkly lit, un-retouched pictures of pretty boys and girls, contorted into positions that suggest yoga and outlandish sex. The very latest of these - an internet ad which shows a model unzipping a yellow body suit to expose what can only be described as 'a lot of nipple'."

Well, you can count on me to find any nipple on the internet, because after working my magic I found this nipply ad. Check it out here: http://debauchette.com/2008/11/a-few-changes/ it's on the right.

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Should My New Pair of Glasses Look Like This?:

http://www.aesthetictheory.com/clients/cardinals/ticketmaster/coffee_fixit.mov
if not, then what?
linked comments appreciated.
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Because I'm Trying to Turn This into an Aubrey O'Day Fan/Porn Site...

I'm starting to like Aub-Aubz even if she still has those terrible roots. She volunteered yesterday serving Thanksgiving meals to the homeless in New York City. Which is a good start, but even better is that she posed for Playboy this week too! And judging by the last photo shoot by Complex Magazine, this is going to be good... and by good, I mean the most self-demeaning sluttiness I've-ever-seen good.

Playboy hasn't told me when the new Aubz sluttiness will be out, but here's some of the old sluttiness to hold you over in the meantime. God, I love her. Oh! there's supposed to be cats in the photo shoot. i heard they're lionz or somethin. whatever. girls with cats are hot. especially naked ones. or with Mexican food.

Twilight MAAAANNNNIIIIAAAAAA!

I know you've seen Twilight at least once by now, if not 10 or 15 times, and are totally caught up in the mania. I, however, am truly bothered by this film because it teaches teenage girls to not have sex, and instead wait for true love. COME ON, I'm struggling as it is!

In the movie, Edward tells Bella to not move when he kisses her; otherwise, he won't be able to resist his vampire, blood-drinking predisposition and will suck the living bejesus out of her (he's a practicing vegetarian vampire by the way). Why don't they just DO IT already!

This "waiting for true love" theme is not what we need to instill into young girls' minds. I think we all know that true love does not exist -- i mean, I'm not even sure if sober sex exists. Do we really want our future daughters waiting around for their chaste, knight in shining armor to stroll up on his (or her) white horse? Do we really want them to be single and unhappy forever?

What we should tell them is to try and find an intelligent, funny, not-utterly-tragic-looking college boy who is willing to buy them dinner every once in awhile in exchange for true love making. (ahem)

When looking up to the best role models in our current society -- the celeb -- it's clear that true love does not exist. But that hasn't stopped Heidi Montag and that guy with the blond beard from The Hills to elope this past weekend.

I hate them both. I hope to never bring their names up again, but this gives me an excuse to post pictures of Heidi in a bikini:

Things from All Over Pittsburgh

1.The most losingest MLB team in histroy, the Pittsburgh Pirates, hit a new low today by signing two Indians to their pitching staff who won a throwing contest in their homeland. I'm not even fucking kidding; it was called the "Million Dollar Arm" contest. The two winners threw the most pitches at least 85 mph inside the strike zone. This is the most embarrassing Pirate news I've heard... since .... earlier this season when they became the most losingest team in MLB history. Go Buccos!

2. The Pitt Basketball team moved up two spots to #4 in the nation, leaving 3 of the top 4 teams from the Big East. We are so bad ass.

3. The one-time showing of Mysteries of Pittsburgh premiered Sunday night at the Regent Square Theatre, ending the Three Rivers Film Festival. It sold out quick, and over 150 people were turned away. There were mixed reviews, because get this: the director changed the book's story around, can you believe that?! Unheard of.

4. Contrary to popular belief, Pittsburghers like art & culture more than sports. In a study among 14 similar cities, Pgh also ranked as one of the safest, but that doesn't make up for having one of the biggest populations of impoverished children. :( Poor Creaty.

5. Girltalk came to Pittsburgh on Saturday. Young girls across the region dolled themselves up in glitter, brightly colored headbands, and slutty things from American Apparel before forcing their significant others to join in on the underage grind-fest.

Girltalk, whose real name is Greg Gillis, is a native of Pittsburgh, has a house in Polish Hill, and dates a girl named Kendall. My very reliable source, simply known as CoolJ, told me, "Yeah, she is pretty cool. She works/ed at Remedy. She has a dance night."

Reports from my other sources (AKA facebook albums) indicate that everyone was really wasted and sweaty at the concert. When interviewing one anonymous girl who attended, she said, "There was a lot of Steelers stuff. I don't remember really, I think I drank too much."

The Onion: 26-Year-Old To See Every Asshole He Ever Went To High School With On Night Before Thanksgiving

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/26_year_old_to_see_every_asshole

"Katie Reynolds will probably come up and give me a big hug like we're the best of friends, even though she never once talked to me during school, and pretty much acted like I was invisible the whole time," McCabe said. "Boy, I can't wait to hug that bitch again."

I think Thanksgiving eve is going to be my lucky night this year. During ALF I got a good long hug from my 1st grade teacher. What's next? 2nd grade? Guidance Counselor? The hot dark haired student teacher from 9th grade English who's now pregnant, but single, and substitute teaches 2 days a week?! Man, the possibilities ...

Andrew Bird Announces Tour; "Noble Beast" due out Jan. 20

OK this is 4 days old,
But it has to be said,
According to Pitchfork Media and Fat Possum:

He's scheduled for the Carnegie Music Hall... in New York, not Pittsburgh, which makes me sad but proud. Pittsburgh's a good tour stop for the upcoming musician; when they get bigger they stop coming; then when they're really big they come back... well, most of the time (I'm still waiting for The Click Five to come back). Last fall, I enjoyed falling asleep (in the best way possible) to Bird's 3.5 hour performance in Carnegie Music Hall, but it looks like this year I'll be making a trip to see my bro.

Although I have a lot of excellent help, I’m producing my own record here, from microphone placement to deciding when to break for lunch. There’s a reason for the division of labor that was once the norm in the recording industry, where the producer took care of the details and delegation -- even song choice -- so that the musicians could just focus on performing. I’d love to be coddled and just walk on to a soundstage and do my job, but I’m afraid that relinquishing control would ultimately result in a limiting of imagination.

Read the rest from a rather interesting NY Times blog entry where Bird describes the recording process done at the Wilco Loft. But you probably already have, since it's 6 months old. I know, this post is not news; it's mostly for my own blog-masturbation-- the same reason why you mental-masturbate by doing cross word puzzles everyday, to fulfill the Freudian void. F@#k Freud, I do what I want. Freaking coke addict.

Free Dr. Pepper!

Thank Axl Rose for a free Dr. Pepper today. Dr. Pepper promised America free DPs for everyone if Guns N'Roses released their album "Chinese Democracy" before the end of this year. Well they did, so go to DrPepper.com to retrieve your coupon after registering.

Axl Rose has been working on this CD for 15 years; he must be the laziest musician ever. I can't stand Guns N'Roses because they inspired things like Nickleback, but today I don't hate Axl Rose because he might be the reason why I can afford to drink something other than tap water.

UPDATE:
Every American right now is also trying to get their free, caffeinated sugar, so DP's servers have crashed with all the traffic. I've been clicking the refresh button since 10am. Dr Pepper lied. There's no free DP. I now hate Axl Rose and his dumb lazy band.

UPDATE II:
This website is faster & better: http://www.drpepper.com/freeDrPepper/index.php (or http://www.drpepper.com/freeDrPepper/address.php) (or http://www.drpepper.com/freeDrPepper/?icamp=hp_dpfree_coupon)

It worked for me. But I still hate Axl Rose because I won't be receiving the coupon until 4-6 weeks. WHAT THE HELL!? I'm driving to CVS.

I Feel For You David Archuleta Fans

I admit, I have no idea who David Archuleta is, and I really don't care. This footage is about 6 months old; nonetheless, the hilarity of crying 11 year olds is worth being shown to you:

Natasha is .... leaving us in agonizing suspense.

DEVELOPING...

Today, according to my sources (AKA facebook), "Natasha is." She has been "is" not just once, not twice, but three times today. What IS it that you are doing Tash?!

Today

Natasha is. 2:15pm

Natasha is. 12:43pm

Natasha is. 11:14am

In unrelated eastern-European-sounding-name news, Karolina Kurkova was named E!'s sexiest woman alive, edging out every other Victoria's Secret model (seen above).

Chris Kirkpatrick Will Strangle You

According to my sources (AKA my own eyeballs):

Last night Chris Kirkpatrick sang the national anthem at the Steelers-Bengals game at Heinz Field (Steelers won 27-10). He was magnificently awful; this came as a huge shock for fans now in their mid-twenties who remember him in his prime. The highlight of the performance came before he even started to sing when the announcer exclaimed, "... and a native from Clarion, PA!" Needless to say, the crowd went wild.

I don't have any pictures or video of him on the field because 1) no one cares 2) if they did exist I'd destroy them because I want to erase it from my memory as soon as possible. I might even delete this post later today.

Nevertheless, it appears Kirkpatrick's bank account has finally run dry. On top of getting paid to torture sports fans, he has also been appearing on unpopular reality TV shows that people only in Alabama watch. He's currently a celebrity judge on Fuse Music Channel's "Redemption Song," and this fall he was casted on CMT's "Gone Country."

I know you're dying to see the "Chris - Best of Gone Country" video:

Access Hollywood conducted an online video interview asked the leader of the show, Big John of Big & Rich, "So how did you score Chris for your show?"

Big J stumbled to respond,"How do you argue with a success of arguably one of the biggest bands in the past 20 years, ya know?"

Chris added, "To be honest I don't listen to country music. I did a lot of research, I went to Nashville a few times, I had a great time."

Part II: This Child Has Something to Tell You

SCIENTIFIC BREAKTHROUGH: Hipster Descendant Found to Be 1920s Flapper

Black20.com released new, compelling evidence on the ancestral origins of the Hipster (Homo hipsteralis). This human species have been an anomaly among phylogenetic studies for years, but through careful critical analyses of newly discovered anatomical homologies, ontogenies, and fossil records it has been established that the Hipster was directly derived through anagenetic lineage splitting from the common Flapper (Homo flapperalis). This is huge news for Hipster community, who have been discriminated against for years because of their unknown origins and questionable relation to rest of human society. We can only hope that now the world will come to accept Hipsters into our every day lives and in the workplace, just like the way Americans in the mid-20th century began hiring women for jobs other than fellatio.

Black20.com interviewed senior investigator Gavin McInnes:

"It just means fashionable young people. This has been going on since the fucking flappers. Do you know how many people were bitching about the flappers?! --the first wave of hipsters in the 1940s."

"The old people, ya know 50 somethings working at New York Times, trying desperately to figure out what's going on. But instead of saying, "I feel old and uncool," they say ,"These fuckin' shallow losers, they don't know what they're fucking missing(1), fuck them."

"There's tons of blogs just dedicated to hating hipsters, while young people in brightly colored skinny pants are just going out partying... they're not there for the I HATE HIPSTERS online forum debate, ya know."

"My beef is that people pretending that Hipsters are any different than Flappers (2). It's the same old fuckin' gripe."

________________________________________________________________

(1) Loss of humility in regards to music preference was found to be synapomorphic of Homo Hipsteralis

(2) Implying that hipsteralis and flapperalis are indeed sister clades

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