4th post of the day, sorry if it's been overwhelming for you, but this is verryyyyy important. like everything on here.My girl Aubz is on the cover of playboy tomorrow! You probably remember a few months ago when some very close confidants of mine told her to pose for the female objectifying magazine (post here). Well she did. I can't wait to buy the issue and hang her all over my bedrooms walls...
Wait a second. Why does she look like a mannequin. Actually, I've seen more life-like mannequins than her. Why does she look like a fake mannequin. How did she even pull that off. That's impressive, to make something fake look more fake. Her head doesn't even move positions from the cover shot to the shot in the black bikini. WTF? And why is her mouth half open and her tongue almost squirting out... that's exactly how the deer I've hunted look right after they've just been shot. Is she alive?Aubz, this was your chance to get on my good side. You blew it. Mostly because I think you're dead and have been made into a plastic doll.
I just received some not-so-anonymous fan mail:
"your blog is now just an annotated list of people you would like to have sex with"
This is untrue. I would not like to have sex with Reeves. (see post 1)
Which also brings up an accusation a few of my readers have confronted me with today. I would like to take a moment to clear things up:
Yes, I confirm that this blog functions solely to overcompensate for my homosexual and homophobic insecurities. I grew up idolizing Wolverine, perhaps the most overcompensating figure in pop culture. When Wolverine's masculinity is threatened, he whips out those claws and goes to town. I, however, don't have claws; so after a long day at the office where I constantly get heckled for being a fag, I whip out my computer and post semi-naked girls. Thank you, blog, for letting everyone know I'm straight, because that is the most important thing in my life, just as it should be for every guy.
I think it was the Village People who once said:
Every man ought to be a macho macho man / to live a life of freedom, machos make a stand.
(Macho Man, Randy Savage -- another great hero of machismo)Well, I am making a stand, because today I tell you, "It's time for a change!" (Obama, 2008)
Starting next post, I will swear off Wolverine and the Village People and begin idolizing the true modern giants of my trade: the righteous celebrity gossip blog kings, like bastardly, wwttd, splashnews, perez, dlisted, popoholic et al. who represent celebrities fairly and objectively, and who would never imagine posting girls in bikinis. I am grateful that someone has finally brought to my attention how misguided this celebrity gossip blog has become. What was I thinking.
