Rihanna Herpes, Rihanna Bruises

... when those are the two related search results that first come up when you're googled, you know you need a life change.

Ok, so before last week when she got bitch slapped by chris brown, or whoever, the only thing i knew about Rihanna was that she strategically releases an annoying hip-hop song at the beginning of every summer so she can dominate the charts 'at da club' may-aug. I also knew she sings about umbrellas a lot. and i knew that her voice might be the most monotonal voice in hip-hop ever.

that's actually a lot more than i knew about chris brown. i knew he's a really good dancer, i guess. I couldn't name a single song of his.

ok, so, naturally since i'm a huge fan, i'm REALLLY REALLLY interested in this whole beat da girlfriend fiasco at the Grammys. so much that i did a google search just a couple of secs ago and found all this out in 3 mins:

-the above pic of her spilling camel toe
-she maybe got herpes from chris
-she might have already had herpes from jay z
-jay z essentially said that he was going to kick chris' ass
-chris gave a public apology where he mostly just talked about facebook and how it's bad because it spreads rumors


that's it. that's the whole story. amazing huh? i think that's way more than n e 1 should ever need to know about rihanna and chris, or whoever they are.

there B Vilar, can't believe i just wrote that shit. what a waste of fucking time. wonder what Aubz is up to...

WTF Ryan Adams & Mandy Moore Engaged?

Uh, so, I guess they're getting married? This is total news to me. I have a love-hate relationship with Ryan Adams, and for the past year it's been mostly hate, and now I definitely hate him moore than ever.

Mandy Moore? Really? This was the girl who drove a Volkswagen Beetle in her first music video when she wasn't even old enough to drive. This is the girl who dated DJ AM. This is the girl who generally sucks. Ryan, you're a sell out. Why can't you date someone hip. Or at least someone that hasn't been compared to Britney Spears musically. But Mandy Moore?? UGh. I'm going to go vomit now.

(for the record, i'd totally do mandy moore)

Zooey's gone...

This is one of the saddest days of my post pre-pubescent life. Zooey Deschanel is now engaged. To Ben Gibbard. Damn him.

I should have picked up on the hints of this secret love, like back in August when Zoey & Ben formed an indie super-group at the Democratic National Convention with Jenny Lewis, et al.



I haven't seen what Ben Gibbard looks like since 2006 Bonnaroo, and I didn't even recognize him. Facial hair and thick glasses. Totally copied me, Asshole. Zooey, you must have confused this happy guitar player with yours truly.

She and Him should not be

It should be me

Tom Brady to Wed Gisele Bundchen. What a douche; I hate him more now.
Sarah Palin New Calendar on Sale. Get 'em while they're hot.

Twilight MAAAANNNNIIIIAAAAAA!

I know you've seen Twilight at least once by now, if not 10 or 15 times, and are totally caught up in the mania. I, however, am truly bothered by this film because it teaches teenage girls to not have sex, and instead wait for true love. COME ON, I'm struggling as it is!

In the movie, Edward tells Bella to not move when he kisses her; otherwise, he won't be able to resist his vampire, blood-drinking predisposition and will suck the living bejesus out of her (he's a practicing vegetarian vampire by the way). Why don't they just DO IT already!

This "waiting for true love" theme is not what we need to instill into young girls' minds. I think we all know that true love does not exist -- i mean, I'm not even sure if sober sex exists. Do we really want our future daughters waiting around for their chaste, knight in shining armor to stroll up on his (or her) white horse? Do we really want them to be single and unhappy forever?

What we should tell them is to try and find an intelligent, funny, not-utterly-tragic-looking college boy who is willing to buy them dinner every once in awhile in exchange for true love making. (ahem)

When looking up to the best role models in our current society -- the celeb -- it's clear that true love does not exist. But that hasn't stopped Heidi Montag and that guy with the blond beard from The Hills to elope this past weekend.

I hate them both. I hope to never bring their names up again, but this gives me an excuse to post pictures of Heidi in a bikini:

Taylor Swift is Single... I Know You Care a Lot.

Another fake celebrity relationship has gone kaput. Taylor Swift was dumped by Joe Jonas of the Jonas Brothers over the cellphone this past month. Taylor told OK! it was because of Camilla Belle, some half Brazilian hot chick who was in one of Joe's terrible music videos... seriously, it's so bad I'm not posting it. Taylor said, "They’ve been together since we broke up. That’s why we broke up - because he met her." She sounds devastated. I bet Taylor went straight into severe depression when she heard that her publicist dumped Joe for her. With her awful new country CD skyrocketing to #1 and all, it's been tough for her lately. She's probably been staying up all night balling her eyes out, listening to sad emo songs on repeat, chain smoking, and only eating chocolate and ice cream. But I'm 99.9% sure she's not. That's why I hate her. And because she has slits for eyes:

Oh, Camilla Belle is 22 years old and way hotter. And she has human shaped eyes. Here's Camilla:

I wish I had an publicist that guaranteed me one hot girlfriend at all times (Jona?? Future career option?). Actually any girlfriend. Could be ugly as hell. I'm desperate. I'd even take taylor swift. Taylor, call me. No, blog me.