Dump Your Out-a-State BF (Hey Look! Shakira's Butt!)

I caught wind of this article, "Date Local: The Case Against Long Distance Relationships," from Slate mag while wasting time on jezebel.com, and I couldn't agree more with its message.

End your long distance relationship-- save the planet-- save yourself -- date me?. No seriously, your LDR (long distance relationship) is destroying the f'ing earth. And he sucks anyways; how many times have you gone there in ratio to the times he's come here? Think about it.

If you didn't know, that f'ing plane you hop on for your monthly lay uses a lot of resources ....

"Consider what happens when these two fly to see each other once a month. Since greenhouse gases emitted from high-altitude airplanes are thought to have several times the impact of ground transport, a carbon offset company would pin their romantic travels with the equivalent of 35 metric tons of CO₂ each year. If that responsibility were divided evenly between the two, our sustainability consultant's lifestyle would be about six times worse for the environment than that of the average gas-guzzling American—and up to 10 times worse than that of the average San Franciscan. (Indeed, for her, breaking up would be about 10 times better for the environment than going vegetarian.)"


And it's not just the environment. Your LDR is why you have no friends ...

"For one, it makes people less anti-social. By spending all their free time out of town or staring at a webcam—that is, in their apartments or airline cabins, rather than in parks, bowling alleys, and pubs—long-distance lovers erode civic commitment and social support networks. They have fewer chances to meet new people. And they make their cities more stratified by inflating an über-class bubble of jet-set shut-ins who are—understandably, given their lifestyle—more worried about conditions at O'Hare than things going on outside their front door."

And your sex life sucks ... not to mention higher health care costs, depression, and more vulnerability to economic downturns ...

"What's more, out-of-town daters have less sex than local couples—and long stretches of abstinence between visits could lead to negative health outcomes and thus higher health care costs. Distance also magnifies the impact of negative feelings like longing and suspicion; according to one study, intercity lovers are more likely to be depressed (PDF) and less likely to share resources or take care of each other when sick. And they spend money on travel that they might otherwise save and invest—leaving them vulnerable to economic shocks and wearing away their future standard of living. Every one of these demons could be banished by simply dating local."


So I think it's pretty clear for all of you in LDRs: get on Skype; give him one last web cam striptease; breakup; call that boy nearby that you have a crush on (me); tell him you want to have sex with him immediately (i'm ready); and do it.

The planet, your psychological state, and your (but mostly my) sex life depends on it. Go now.